Carter Chill 2021

You are a moron.  I mean that from the bottom of my heart.  You are the worst kind of moron. You’re a Stage Four Moron. You’re a little smarter than a corpse.

Lately there have been a lot of people telling you that you’re not a moron. I have bad news. They are morons too.  They may be on TV. They may be on the radio. They may even be elected officials. You can be a famous moron. You can be a rich moron. You can be an elected moron. Did you know that? Do you know why you didn’t know that? Because you’re a moron.

Up to this point, I’ve been able to tune you out for the most part. There are even times when I’ve felt compassion for you.  The highlight of your day is hijacking the comment section of an internet post on waffle recipes, in order to rant about human microchip implants. That is sad.

But wait! Jeremy from Poughkeepsie wants people to WAKE UP.  Jane from gunsordie.com LIKED your comment! Before you know it, there’s a moron meet up happening in the sub-basement of the Pillsbury website. It’s the moron’s version of going to the prom.

Morons were once isolated. Outcasts. Irrelevant. It must have been very lonely when you were a young moron. I’ll be honest, I don’t even know anybody who had to repeat the third grade. The stink of that short yellow school bus doesn’t wash off.

But the Internet came along, and the moron Skynet became self-aware.  Suddenly, morons from all over the world were able to connect with other morons throughout the Web. Today, we understand that morons are an attractive force in the Web, like accretive discs of matter in space. They bump into each other in their orbits around Alex Jones Online and coalesce into giant gasbags of conspiracy, bad temper, and drool. You are no longer isolated. You are an empowered moron. Connected. Relevant You are a post-modern moron.  You are Neo-moronic.

You’re also a very angry moron, aren’t you? Yes, you are. Did you know that angry morons generate a shrill, whiny bleat that is so obnoxious in both print and aural ranges that it drowns out any register that resonates below A Major Asshole? Did you get that joke? No? Do you know why?  

I can do this all day.

Some idiots have tried drinking bleach to clean their insides of Covid-19. You have to admire that kind of commitment to idiocy.  After all, bleach kills germs. But you are not an idiot. Compared to your screed that Covid-19 is caused by cell phone towers, drinking bleach is downright logical. Idiocy to a moron like you is aspirational. If you are diligent and follow your dreams, it is conceivable that some day you will become an idiot. But right now, you are a moron.

And you are on my last nerve.

We are in the midst of a lethal pandemic that has killed over 400,000 people as of early June. The death toll in the U.S. is 112,000. That’s a Michigan-Ohio State game and counting. It is highly infectious and presumed to be primarily transmitted by airborne particles. Health officials thought it world be a good idea to wear masks while in public. Local governments agreed that might be a good idea.

Government: “Hey dude, if you wear a mask, you might not die. Also, if you wear a mask, you might not kill someone else. “

Me: “Sure, why not.”

Somehow, your moron horde decided that this seemingly rational act of citizenship was an outrageous display of government tyranny. And you’re not going to take it, are you?

Scene:  Interior Atlanta Hilton Lobby Bar at Tyrant-Con

Stalin: “I was a REAL tyrant… I once made every Russian peasant farmer give their entire wheat harvest to the State. Freaking MILLIONS starved.”

Kim Jong Il: “Oh yeah? I passed a law that required every virgin in North Korea to submit to my carnal demands. And I am, like, WAY gross.”

Hitler: “Six million Jews. Need I say more?”

Tyrant Larry. “That’s nothing.  Get a load of this. One time we had this contagious pandemic and I made everybody wear MASKS.”

OK, so not exactly tyranny with a capital T now is it?  At the very worst, it’s a little bossy. Sure, masks are annoying. They are scratchy and fog up your glasses.

But it takes a world class moron to break out the pitchforks and torches over wearing masks in a pandemic. And yet there you are, marching through the Michigan State House with a band of fellow mouth breathers, demanding your Constitutional Right to be moronic. Social distancing is for pussies, and you stand shoulder to shoulder with your moron brethren, that is, until someone breaks out in a sneezing fit.

You are also opposed to Science. I can understand why you might be opposed to science. It’s the same reason you eat Pop-Tarts cold. Sometimes all those instructions get confusing.  

To be fair, you are opposed to Science propagated by what you call the “Lamestream Media.”  (I see what you did there. Instead of “mainstream” you said “lamestream.”  They sound a lot alike, but one is like “main”, and other is “lame.” Snort.)  For example, you suggested that Covid 19 means that there were 18 other Covids. So, no big deal.  And don’t forget the 5K towers. Vaccines are designed to create a population of zombie slaves. WAKE UP PEOPLE!

I agree. We should WAKE UP.  Personally, I am adopting a zero tolerance policy. I am announcing this well ahead of the eventual restoration of social interactions, so there are no misunderstandings. I want to emphasize that this isn’t about me. It’s about you.  

It may sound extreme. It is admittedly insensitive. I was raised with family values that included polite forbearance.  Believe me I have bit my tongue countless times.

But we are now in different times. The stakes are higher. The only thing worse than dying of the Coronavirus would be to catch it from a moron.

I play golf. I am known as a trunk slammer. That means I keep clubs in the trunk of my car, and not in a Country Club locker. It also means that am usually in the public golf course random lottery when it comes to a foursome. If I am on the first tee and find out you are a moron, I am going to point to you and scream like Donald Sutherland in The Invasion of the Body Snatchers. (I’ll wait while you google the clip)

If I am at a business meeting and I discover that there are morons among us, they will get the Sutherland treatment as well.  If I am sitting in a plane and I find a moron is sitting next to me, cue Donald. If I am at a cocktail party, and I hear you spouting your moronic manifesto from across the room, I will sprint to wherever you are, knocking down bystanders and trays of Rumaki in order to point at you and screech.

If enough people decide finally to stand up to morons, someday President Trump may decide that we are a demographic worth engaging. He may conclude that rational discourse is an important part of American Democracy. But I’m pretty sure that won’t happen. He will probably continue to pander to you and your moronic voting bloc. Do you know why? Do you know why President Trump will continue to support you and your fellow morons?

Sure you do.