©Carter Chill 2019

Bernie Sanders contends that billionaires should not exist in America.  What he actually said was a little more nuanced. For those youngsters out there, nuance is stuff that doesn’t fit on a tweet. But Bernie hit on a nerve. This is America, after all. If you can get it, you can keep it.

A billionaire is someone who made a million dollars, one thousand times. It is quite simply a lot of scratch. You could buy one Porcshe a month for 555 years.

Together they control over $9.2 Trillion dollars.  The top 1% of the wealthiest US citizens control almost $46 Trillion. The national debt is $30 Trillion.

So, there is a solution to the National Debt. Sure, it’s a little Draconian. Look at it this way. The National Debt is considered a significant problem. Bigger than terrorism. Or crime. Or immigration. Well maybe not immigration. After all, illegal immigration is the biggest problem in the history of big problems. So bad. It’s why we are not great. Again. It’s why we can’t have nice things. I hate them. They’re ruining everything.

Still, the debt is a pretty big deal. It’s the kind of thing that could eventually lead to total global financial collapse. The ATM’s shut down. Your debit card can only be used to level up the dining room table. The power grid collapses. The neighbors have a barbecue the same day your dog goes missing.  

Everyone seems to be sadly resigned to it. Sure, every year we shut down the government during the World Series as kind of a symbolic gesture against the annual budget deficit. Even the fieriest red Republicans eventually cave on the issue. A government that is shut down is a government that is not issuing paychecks.  It is a omnipresent, financial asteroid heading right for Wall Street. It’s a planet killer. It’s hopeless.

But that’s not true. There is a solution. The national debt is $30 Trillion Dollars. If the richest 1% in America donated $46 Trillion of their wealth to paying off the debt, they would have $16 Trillion dollars left. That’s $5,120,000  apiece.

So the consequence of eliminating a financial crisis that could lead to global ruin, is that 3.125 million US citizens will have to make do with only $5.1 Million.  Notice that I didn’t say that three million US citizens would be stripped of their wealth, herded into concentration camps, and executed. I didn’t say they would be stripped of their possessions and thrown out on the streets. I didn’t say they would be forced to spend the rest of their lives with basic cable.

I just suggested that perhaps the biggest problem in America, except for immigration, (oooh I just get so MAD) could be solved if three million Americans could deal with the horror of only having $5.12 Million. Each. After Taxes. Still alive. Earning. Living in a country that has no debt. With the gratitude of the other 99% who still don’t have $5.1 Million.   

Think of it this way. Let’s say a REAL planet killing asteroid was bearing down on Earth. The price tag to build an anti-asteroid laser gun is $30 Trillion. So the choice is to throw down or die of noxious gases while sitting by the pool. Easy choice, right?

My plan kills the planet killing financial asteroid and you still get to lounge by the pool with $5.12 Million in the bank. So get out those checkbooks and….

Hey, Hey, Hey…Relax. I’m just fuckin with ya. It’s a joke. Freaking crrrazy, man. Jesus.

So how about this. I think we can get this border wall built. I know a guy. $65 Billion all in. I’m talking top of the line wall shit here. Primo hubcap quality razor wire. Guard towers every mile with high-speed WiFi and PS4. Halo out, dude.

Half now, the rest as soon as the paint dries.

Here’s the good part. It would only cost the 550 US billionaires 2% of their $2.7 Trillion wealth to eliminate the deadly scourge of illegal immigrants destroying our culture. TWO LOUSY POINTS!!  But wait. You get more than a wall. You get free advertising on BOTH sides. That’s right. 

Sure, it will take another $65 Billion to subsidize the truck farm industry and make up for lost taxes, so OK, we’re talking 4%. FOUR LOUSY POINTS!! Chump change. Sofa money. Thank you SO much.

Bernie says hello.